I opened with prayers that my experience go well, after blessing the mushrooms... then I consumed them with ice cream. Oddly enough, within 5-10 minutes of eating them, I could feel something stirring energetically, which must have been the spirit of the medicine reacting with my soul. As I waited, anxiety crept over me, just some fears of the possibility of having a bad trip. That was the worst part, the concern before anything happened. After a couple of hours in however, my inner Nancy Reagan backed off, and it was clear that psilocybin was the right decision.
A friend called at that point - I had asked he be a check in buddy, in case I needed support. All was well, so I thanked him and continued to unwind, lying down, as the world around me felt slightly different. Nothing visual really, just a sense of comfort growing over me, and my channeling opened to guide me into it. Music on Spotify was playing in the background - some Enigma crap, then a trance anthem. Suddenly, it got more interesting.
I popped on my headphones and listened to a couple more trance anthems while a massive shit eating grin crept over my face... I felt like I was 19 again. The channeling took on a feminine, motherly, guiding tone as it explained that I was healing from this dose, and how much I needed to continue psilocybin. I could hear lyrics through the structure of the techno, as though the rhythm was singing a message to me about recovery, love, and hope - it reminded me of some of the states I had experienced in the past with THC, when it was still enjoyable. My subconscious, singing to me again, in a light trance. (Again, this was not visionary, perhaps the dose was too low for anything like that, I played it safe this time - but I was still moved, and I felt it did my heart good. Out of it now, something feels happier in me, something feels more hopeful, and I know I have to keep doing this. It was the right decision.) I took a walk later to grab dinner, happy to be a part of this world, enjoying the evening, something I haven't enjoyed in years.
In other news - I had sent a copy of my latest graphic novel to Dr. Patch Adams, and I got a letter back from him today! If you snail mail Patch, he will write you back... he always has with me. Both that letter and the magic mushrooms arrived in my mailbox today - a great day for alternative medicine.
Friends and I had an online viewing party of the new "Fatima" movie - quite a beautiful piece. Religious, yes, but not in any propaganda kind of way, more of a period drama than anything truly heavy handed. Recommended - although I think I liked "The Novitiate" more. (I watched it with the rosary recitation group I'm in - we're about to go official as a group affiliated with a local United church, their lead pastor being a friend of mine, and someone I once consulted for spiritual direction.)
I plan on doing more psilocybin soon, a slightly higher dose next time. CBD took the edge off suffering, but psilocybin takes a sledgehammer to it. Nice!
UPDATE: Yes, I definitely have healed a little. There's a sense this morning, the day after my psilocybin trip, that passion and love may be something to believe in, just as I once did, and that I don't have to play martyr anymore to feel something (anything) of the horror that befell my psyche. Though I have healed a bit by other means, structurally my once adorable subconscious is still a bit of a sad black hole, blocked by Latuda so that I don't panic if I were to behold it a bit closer. Yesterday I caught a glimpse of something youthful, something reborn in me... hope is restoring. The evocative pop video that was my mind is returning, and I guess the first sign of this is how I feel today emotionally. I don't have to just be a sad granny clutching her rosary in a church, longing to leave this world, never to return. I can feel like a valuable member of humanity again. I will take another dose tomorrow, or perhaps on Thursday, to follow up.