Tuesday, 12 January 2021

Hermiting too much!

I probably do have some kind of "disorder" that arose from all of this, one I have yet to mention on here.  For the sake of discussion, I am going to call it "Hermit Syndrome".  What I mean by this is that I have lived as a hermit of sorts for so long, that I am unsure as to how to fully integrate back into the world.

I will still run tasks, do chores and my job, and engage friends when I should, so it's not a severe case.  But what's wrong is that I have engaged the deeper self and channel for so long, fastidiously ignoring television (mostly), video games, books, and other forms of media, and engaging with people less.  So now, years later, I am very much a person who mostly lives in my head.  I don't remember how it feels to get enjoyment out of worldly things, at least I can't for long, and want to quickly return to my tarot cards, contemplation, and spiritual work.

I am seeing my strange discipline as something that was necessary to unlock certain levels, and for pressing healing needs.  Being without a spiritual teacher or guide who knows my struggle, I had to seek and find the inner guru, and follow its instruction, when I could piece its advice together, to heal myself.  That took shutting off certain worldly things to unlock it, committing to daily (hourly?) prayer and focus.  But now, perhaps like a monk who has lived on their own for a very long time (I'm imagining this might happen with certain monks anyway), returning to the world requires perhaps a transitional period, where I coax my mind back to what it once engaged and enjoyed.

Even channeling and divination are suggesting I need to ease up, as is spirit writing.  It insists I reached the levels I sought for the particular task I had before me, and I can reintegrate again.  Like I said, I am an urban seeker, so it's perhaps not been as intense as it has for others who have lived alone off in nature... any reintegration might not be the harshest challenge.  Naturally, I am using my practice to try and help with the process of being more worldly.  The problem is - with COVID-19 in the world, everyone is expected to be a little bit of a hermit anyway, so it doesn't help!

I am not sure if all my ideas for myself are healthy, although there is some peace with them, at least to a certain degree.  I am not seeking any kind of high powered art career anymore - if it comes to me, I will accept it, but I am too weary or bored to bother trying to be a big shot artist.  I have mused over eventually making another comic, perhaps about a latex clad nun, but that won't happen any day soon.  I am not yet at a comfortable, confident level to go full professional psychic, so that's not upon me yet, and with being off work and on EI, I feel rather useless.  So magick has been my fall back, because it is what interests me most these days.  But now I'm sensing that perhaps I am too involved in it, and not much else.

I am going to generate a creative tome of writings for my spiritual work, as both reference but also for art's sake, and I began to add to the book yesterday, so I may soon have pictures of that.  It's just a little leather bound book I got recently, with a sun on it.  I will take notes that I feel are relevant and inscribe them in it when I get the sense that I should - basically it's a Book of Shadows, but not being Wiccan, I'm not officially calling it that.

I am also working to refine my magickal technique with the 7 element altar - offering tobacco and some sage regularly through the ceremony was suggested through spirit writing.  It could lead to a new system that I would have invented.  Not starting a cult here (ha!) but perhaps a new method.  I don't want to be like Crowley... at ALL.

I guess I won't be able to step away from spiritual practice for very long... in a way, it's my art too.  Ah well... I guess the suggestion refers to helping with mental health, because by the end of the day, after a day of immersion, day in and day out like this, I am weary and often very anxious when in bed.  That's the concern.

-Saraƒin

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