Monday, 1 June 2020
The more I consider what I know about mystics, the more I wonder - maybe the demon really is completely gone, and I am just profoundly confused with sensations I feel in my body, the way my channel is, the feelings I get. So many of these classic Catholic mystics appear to be bedridden a lot of the time - if it's not stigmata, they have weird illnesses or are just so overwhelmed by phenomena they can barely do anything. Gopi Krishna, a famous Indian kundalite, had problems with anorexia and sensations of great heat in his body, so it happens in the East as well. Some days I just get so worried and overburdened by what I feel that I crawl into bed and cry until I am comforted by the channel. But none of it is violent anymore... none of it is something I feel is a tooth and nail fight against anything malevolent. The key sigil keeps coming through spirit drawing - as I mentioned before, I cast a little intention spell with an old toy handcuff key I buried by announcing I would commit this demon to death to rid myself of it... so perhaps that same key, coming though in drawings, is saying I no longer have to fight, it's over. The last vision I had was of the Eye of Providence when I smudged with sweetgrass and called upon Metatron to kill the demon. Phenomena right now is mostly probably nonsense, but it's hard to sort out the relevant from the irrelevant, if there is anything relevant to any of it. Whatever mansion this is in the crystal castle of the soul (as St. Teresa of Avila would call it), it's not clear what God wants me to understand, but I do feel His love very powerfully, so I suspect I am in the 4th mansion of the 7, which is the equivalent of the Anahata, I suppose. Which means I probably still have yet to go through mystical depression with the Dark Night of the Soul... GREAT.
I am going to try and commit to at least one round of the rosary per day to urge along the process, and keep reciting Psalms when I can't think of what else to do. I wish I could go to church right now - I need to sit in one and take in the atmosphere again. I am again considering confirmation in the Catholic church, but I would need to select a parish that is more liberal. Our Lady of Lourdes in Toronto is more queer friendly than others, hosting a monthly queer mass, so if I do commit to this, I will likely go through them. The other two I frequent are pretty inside but I often find the clergy there either arrogant or ultra conservative, or both. Lourdes is humble and kind, from what I have seen.
I am just so confused right now in my mind - not psychotic, but not able to settle with ideas for long. Consistency is lacking. I have no spiritual director to talk to about this right now. Although I am thankful for social supports in the part of the world I live to get me through this (I might have needed family to rely on otherwise) I am so bothered by how bankrupt Toronto is for spiritual needs. I have to rely mostly on myself to figure things out, and I am not highly religiously educated.
My rosary coven has had some interesting things happen recently. One member recently confirmed and was baptized Catholic, after completing the catechumen process. As an Anglican, I might not have to jump through as many hoops, having already been baptized, but it's not like I can just sign a document and I'm in. There's still a process, and this is a major commitment, one I am not yet sure I am ready to take. But I think it's likely to happen someday... I just worry I require it to move on, and that if I don't do it soon, this will just continue crawling at a snail's pace, painfully. But if I do join the church and I talk to the wrong priest about what I experience - that could also be bad. So I have no idea what to do.
The other interesting thing is that another member is getting automatic mudras now when they pray the rosary. I was aware of enough of my spiritual awakening studies to tell them that it's a very powerful sign from God that they are waking up, and to keep doing what they are doing. Very exciting!
Mostly, I am miles beyond where I was as a soul, but still, there is dissatisfaction. I wish some things were certain in my mind, and, if my future is to be bright, I wish I knew when these sweeping changes are to come to the way things are.