Friday, 29 May 2020

Soul sickness update...

I have been doing channeling on this - it seems the part of me that feels really good is the deepest part, the part that feels closest to the Divine.  It has a calmness that regulates everything else when I am having a difficult day.  The mind, on my low dose of medication, regulates well, and is quite still, mindful, and tends to bounce back easily from anxiety and sorrow.  (I'm not going to call my sorrows depression because they aren't ongoing or clinical, and I can easily move out of these states with the right activity - often praying to the Virgin Mary or doing the rosary will lift me out of a sad mood, an anxious state, or help me to sleep at night.  It's just a sadness that comes over me now and again, having been through a lot.)

The part that aches and feels like it has a weight is the energetic body.  There's a trickster quality to this dark field that got inside of me, so I was sure it had left, but perhaps it had just weakened that night, there was further work to do, because I still feel like I have an energetic ball and chain, even though phenomena is not the same.  Since reading the Psalms with Jehovah, channel has changed a little bit, it's even quieter now, though I still feel a weight.  Something may have also improved recently with Christ, as I felt a loving warmth in my heart centre while reciting Psalms to Him, and I'm not sure what it means yet.  Spirit drawings are getting interesting and have more details - I get a staircase, a door in the clouds opening, beams of light descending from various Godhead symbols... perhaps they're indicating an important stage, or relief, around the corner.  Nothing is dark anymore, and less is silly - mostly, it's positive, sometimes a bit confusing, leading me to make conclusions now and again that might not be the best, which I take to this blog to muse about.  If I back out of an idea, an article may be removed.  Recent articles about the kundalini were removed because I think I began to confuse spiritual evolutionary systems again.  It is common in awakenings to receive visions of many gods from many lands, even though they may not be of your own path, and I have to remember that - even St. Hildegard von Bingen experienced this.  It is a bit of a hodge podge in channel right now, and I imagine it will be until this weight is lifted from my spirit.  I am a sleeper waking up, trying to make sense of a nightmare.

In other news, I just discovered that there's a beautiful Carmelite monastery in a neighbouring municipality that looks wonderful, where they make ice wine, and so my rosary coven and I are discussing the possibility of going on a retreat there once the COVID-19 lodging bans are lifted, and things are a bit more normal.  This place looks mighty grand, is reasonably priced - home to an order of Carmelite monks.  I REALLY want to go!  I love the other convent too, but the grounds of this one look so lovely - I want to experience the old world feel as well, sometime.  It's Catholic, and I tend to feel more as a soul in Catholic environments than in Anglican ones.  The church frustrates me, but I think my soul still wants to be Catholic - often I conclude this, anyway.


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