Sunday, 16 February 2020

More Sacred Heart stuff...

I am beginning to suspect that what I feel in my heart is unique to only some, and not what most Christians and/or Christ devotees experience.  What I can describe is a warm, soft glowing light, like a loving sun, in my heart centre, that never leaves me, and feels ignited with powerful, graceful love from the Spirit.  Am I a recipient of the Heart of Jesus?

My lack of a religious education means that I am puzzled by the concept of the Sacred Heart.  It's something I will likely seek to study more, to make sense of what I feel in my chest, and have felt, since that day in the summer of 2015 when I felt Christ enter my life.  Since this sensation in my chest began, self injury has been harder to do to myself, since my arms force themselves from doing what I tend to do when I feel self destructive, and there's a powerful element of protection.  I feel aglow, without obviously looking like I am glowing, but there's a lightness in my soul and it's as though I feel I radiate something.

Yesterday, at work, in my prayers to St. Jude, I was able to consecrate myself to the Sacred Heart, something I was trying to do with novenas that I guess weren't moving me ahead.  St. Jude, I have once again decided, is my go to patron saint, he seems to be the doorway to Jesus that I in particular need to work with.  I am not sure why it had to be a specific way, but now I am aware that when in doubt, I must turn to this saint.  I have a St. Jude chaplet I have used on and off as well, and even though I have also felt the aid of St. Anthony, it is St. Jude who is probably my truest patron saint, after all.

The dark field seems to weaken steadily as I work with the Psalms, devotional prayers, and other techniques.  It's as though a sensation of soothing bliss emanates in my core as I feel it weaken, for it has been an irritant in my soul that causes even my physical body to ache in discomfort.  My mind feels slightly more at ease, be it with practice or the CBD, yet I have felt a bit depressed as of late, due to the recent hospitalization and the exhaustion of the past 13 and a half years.  It's like I don't even know what direction to take my life anymore.  If I could get back into my art, that might help a little, but I find it hard to do so when my desperation to be free of all darkness is at the forefront of my desires.

Perhaps there are some interesting books out there on the Sacred Heart of Jesus, or the saints who have had devotions to it.  I guess it's off to the Catholic bookstore with me again at some point!

-Saraƒin

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