Saturday, 1 February 2020

Feeling weary...

I feel like my energy is shot to hell because of this recent hospitalization.  Privileges were stricter there than at CAMH, there was a hospital bracelet policy and depending on what colour you wore it meant you could leave the ward or not - when you could, it meant either with someone accompanying you only, or on your own (but only at certain hours and not off grounds).  One of my roommates (I had 3 - yikes!) snored like death metal so I needed heavy drugs and earplugs to sleep.  By the end, I was shuffling down the hall like a zombie, and they even asked if I had ever had catatonia because of how I was spacing out - for fuck's sake.  Still, it was in many ways less oppressive than other wards I have been on, and most of the staff were nice.  There was a lovely atrium in the hospital I would go to on off ward times to sit and try to enjoy myself.  It's good to be out, but I didn't get much sleep last night, and I feel like a boiled owl, as my grandmother would often say.

I had mentioned this on the weird post I later deleted, but I bought the new Pet Shop Boys album ("Hotspot") on my phone and it's one of the few delights I got to enjoy while I was there.  Apart from one or two songs I tend to skip, this is a wonderful classic PSB sounding collection that is sure to be one of my faves, most of the songs are immediately appealing.  Highlights for me are "Will o the Wisp", "Monkey Business", "Dreamland", and "Happy People".  There are a couple of tracks with a strong disco vibe, others sound more 80s, and there were even some dream pop elements to the instrumentation.  This is kind of like "Please" meets "Very" sometimes, a little bit.  Stuart Price, the producer on this album, really helps the Boys shine.  I hope they keep working with him.

I am so frustrated with my life as of late - what I wouldn't give not to be me for a while.  I know everyone tends to feel that way on and off, and I try to be brave and positive, but my problems are so bizarre and misunderstood that even a coma looks appealing right about now.  My life sometimes feels insulting to behold, I have learned not to expect anything positive - not to be negative in this case, but instead to be pleasantly surprised when the positive eventually does occur.  I don't want to die, but I do wish sometimes I could go to the other place and stop this strange ride.  It's exhausting and rather absurd what I have to live with on a daily basis.  Please don't see this as some cry for help, I am just bored with the way things are right now, and I can't always be optimistic.

I have a work leave of 10 more days, then I'm back at the grind.  For now, I am going to take it easy and try to get my life in order again.


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