Monday, 30 December 2019
What it feels like to let Jesus into your heart: An esoteric observation...
When I first received Jesus into my heart, it was during a period of ongoing darkness, where I felt a despair, as though I was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and die. The sensation, upon the invocation, of my heart centre opening up to something gentle, was what I felt, followed by tingling in my limbs, similar to what I had felt in Sedona, Arizona. Then, my finger began to draw a heart with a cross in it, which I now think simply is a reminder of His presence in me. The sensation of glowing love encompassed the heart, almost like a loving warmth, and that creeping anxiety I had lived with from childhood of my beating heart and the fear of it suddenly stopping its pulse, forcing me to consider how to lie in bed while trying to sleep, was taken away, and replaced with a comforting security that all would be fine, no matter what. This was a knowing of God's presence that was a kind of sight I had never felt before, a knowing that I can only compare to the kind of knowing in the heart one has when they fall in love - one knows when they are in love, and one knows when Christ is in the heart. Both are love, yet this is a different kind of love. Suddenly, I kind of got why Jesus freaks act like they do.
I don't consider myself one of these types at all - I see Christ as a power that works with anyone who needs Him, not just "good Christians", and for many reasons, and I don't see Christians as understanding their own god very well. But I get the obsession, having been saved from certain sufferings with His aid. Various prayers have helped me to align and grow with Him, and free my soul from despair, and He made sure I would overcome my pain with the demon. So He is a saviour to me, though I don't believe I was destined for Hell or anything if I had not found Him... just that I needed Him for certain tasks to be completed successfully.
I have trouble seeing some I am estranged from as being compassionate towards me, for a spirit of hatred had filled my soul for many years, warping my mind, my heart, and my understanding of why humanity is as it is, and why things happened as they did with others. Please understand that when I discuss this demon, it is NOT a psychotic delusion as one would assume... it was a real spiritual presence, and it sought to destroy me. Demons are real, whatever they are, and the modern age does not interpret them well when they happen to hurt people, which is not that often. The lore exists for a reason in horror films, and other societies other than Western nations understand them better than we do. Spirits are real, and some are not pleasant. This spirit of hate destroyed a trust I had in humanity, and when things went sour between me and others, I ceased to trust I was cared about by certain people. Not being able to remedy certain connections right now, be it due to fear or other factors, I simply cannot know as a worldly mind how some people feel about me. I have phenomena of the soul, through channel, urging me to trust in the kindness of others, but without conversation, and knowing my channel isn't always perfect, it is hard to trust this phenomena alone. My mind wrestles with my soul on a daily basis over this.
I am certain Christ has a hand in urging me to reconsider my understanding of how others perceive me, yet it is hard to trust even God right now. The demon simply was that vicious, and in me for so long, that I am still trying to rebuild a trust that others are kinder than I came to understand them. All I can do now is pray, channel, and hope to have a psychological breakthrough in how I interpret the meaning behind events of the past that I have yet to let go of. It's very hard, coming out of this kind of abuse... an abuse that most don't even believe was real. I have displacement issues with my anger, not knowing how to overcome it fully, not knowing where to put it and what to do with it, so it's projected onto many things and people while I try to shed it entirely, which is very hard, having been through many terrible events.
Maybe one day I can know the truth in a more mental, worldly sense, trusting the soul is being honest with me.