Thursday, 28 November 2019
Why I am so hard on myself...
Having come out of the events of the past, I feel many of my sorrows have not been resolved, in part due to the fact that I have yet to make peace with certain individuals. There's one person in particular that I fear might summon legal action against me if I were to do as little as to reach out in an email to discuss things, others are former friends who seemed to think I was psychologically gone and probably still have assumptions about me. (There would be no hard feelings from me if I could talk to certain people, I just want to make peace at this point.) Without the resolution that I need, I hold onto trauma a bit more than I should, so I have a tendency to see life as bleak in some respects, though I also try to think a bit like a martyr about it in some ways, as extreme as that sounds, to see goodness in bleakness. Life is mostly peaceful right now, and I do my best to remember that, but without the conversations I need, there are issues that lurk in my mind. Hence my desire to distance myself from pursuing romance and certain wants... I feel that rising above these things could be the road I need to take to move on. It's like I have to be austere now to find joy.
Sometimes I see myself as similar to Miss Havisham from "Great Expectations", holding onto the past, not able to move forward entirely. Although I think we all suffer a bit from this kind of thing to some extent, I see myself as someone who can't be respected because of where I was, and who I used to be. I try on certain female archetypes because I know the world did not appreciate the woman I was, I don't like who I was either, and I am trying to find the "right" kind of woman to be after I failed as the "wrong" kind of woman. Society made it very clear that I wasn't shaping up as the old version of myself, so I work extremely hard on myself at all times to refine the person that I am, in the hopes that I am forgiven for being the old me. I spend at least 6 hours every single day in contemplation and prayer, trying to shape myself, to be the most pristine version of Saraƒin that I can amount to. Never again do I want to be that creature, I see her as weak in character and a failure in other respects. Perhaps this is harsh, but that's where I am with my past right now.
I guess I am simply going through a phase where I feel like I have to give myself tough love to be a better person - after years of being in torment, it's hard to come out of it without some form of challenge in me remaining. I never want to fall out of society again, I never want to repeat being the topic of the day in the rumour mill as I was. The idea of fame frightens me a bit right now, because I was considered infamous for a time, and it was horrible. I suppose I could move on from this mindset if something great were to happen career wise, but right now I just feel vulnerable thinking about that. I don't expect to be loved, but I appreciate it if it comes my way.
So yeah... I am pretty hard of myself, I always have been, but I am trying to be constructive about it now. I am a happier person than I was, perhaps I am even happier than most, but the problems I have with unfinished business in relations to others leave a hole in my heart that I am not sure how to heal from.