Tuesday, 29 October 2019

Why I present as this silly nun, as opposed to something more serious...

"Sister Penance" was a persona I developed as a means of mocking my evil entity, but also to feel a "religious" role in a way that was tongue in cheek and playful.  I won't beat around the bush - I do believe there is a part of my practice that would be considered that of a legitimate medicine person/"shaman", if I was in another society.  I didn't embark on this to become another white "shamanic practitioner" - I was called in a profound way to evolve, because my life was going to shit if I didn't embrace what Spirit was demanding of me.  It was something that landed in my lap, the lap of a woman who, for most of her life, barely gave spirituality much thought other than mere curiosity.

So this persona is sincere, but also parody - not a parody of real nuns, but instead fetish nuns, and perhaps absurdity I see in religion a bit as well.  Because there were times I felt drawn to being a real sister, and because I am also an alt lifestyle gal, I bought this habit online as a joke due to the strange juxtapose of that dynamic.  I think I have concluded I will never be a real nun, perhaps I'm a funny kind of beguine, but I don't take on real vows (except that I joke I might be able to handle two of them if I had to).  This persona also helps strange information (that may sometimes be incorrect) at least seem whimsically presented, and thus not completely insane, if I prove to be wrong sometimes.

The problem, of course, in presenting as a more traditional looking medicine person, as a white woman, is that it will look like cultural appropriation to eyes who do not understand me or my story.  The Spirit, though it probably less often calls caucasians in western societies to be medicine people than it does in traditional societies, still will do it if the soul of the individual is right for the need, so it's not unheard of.  There have been enough experiences in my journey to suggest I am experiencing a form of this, it's just that I am still healing, growing, and understanding all of it.  And there's a heavy Catholic influence to my practice, which is also not unheard of in certain communities, as certain more indigenous societies embrace Christ and Christian practice and use it with traditional medicine, and even other gods.  Having been from a western background that was culturally Christian, and not having a teacher to guide me through this, I sought God through Christianity when I didn't know where to turn, and found it worked with other things I was doing.  Perhaps a more devout Christian upbringing might have helped with knowledge of what to pray for and how to proceed in some ways, but it might have also put me off the whole thing, if it was a certain way, so in a way it was good my parents were old hippies who just had me baptized, and that was it.

I would assume that some would say the obvious approach would be to just call myself a witch - but I am not a witch.  I don't do what witches do, I use a prayer based approach to medicine that involves building up the soul with mystical devotion and contemplation, I don't cast spells, and I don't involve myself in the occult.  I am also not out for personal power - I have worked with power, but that came of following what the Spirit asked of me.  Spirit wanted me to kill this demon, and I needed the tools I developed to get there with it, so I got them.  I am not sure what else Spirit will ask of me in the future, if my role is as a medicine person, but now I am relieved of the extreme suffering I lived, so I feel now is a time of peace, growth, and healing - the fight is over.

So I don't go around calling myself a medicine person - I am saying I believe I am one on here, but mostly, I say I am a mystic.  I think that term is less absurd to identify with for most people, it's acceptable without sounding pretentious.  These times are funny, because even when a caucasian is the real deal, due to the history of white supremacy bullshit, it might still look odd to others who are skeptical.  So I watch what I call myself when discussing this with others, so they don't think I am a "plastic shaman".

I kind of want to make a ceremonial Cobra headdress or something at some point, but I will have to plot what that looks like.  I want it to look good, but not too much like I am stealing from another culture, too.

BTW, I think my soul has been in shock from abuse from the demon, so I have had funny understandings of my current state, and funny insights, so now I am concentrating my prayers on being a saner soul.  It's as though my mind is mostly fine, but another level of me is slightly wonky.  I guess the trauma of spiritual assault can do that to someone.


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