Saturday, 5 October 2019

Letting go of senseless ambition: I don't give a shit if I don't make it...

This could change (hopefully it doesn't), but at this stage of the game, I have decided I simply don't care anymore about achieving any profound kind of success in the western world, as long as what I require is provided for, and perhaps some minor wants and comforts are catered to.

I think we're all sold a huge lie about happiness involving monetary success (certainly fame - fame is fleeting and often a curse), and that comes of a society that is impoverished in spirit.  Rat race ideals used to stress the hell out of me, thinking I had to commit to some career path and make brilliance of it to amount to anything of value to my society.  Fuck that.  I have since decided that if I am never a star artist, I couldn't care less.  With that pressure off my ego, the mind is more relaxed and able to enjoy the simple pleasures I have already established in my life.  Most days are lovely, and often surprise me.

I wrote a comic series that I am satisfied I created, and not much came of it, other than some mild media attention and a small, loyal following.  Unless things change again, perhaps that was my art's fate.  This doesn't bother 37 year old me the way it might have bothered 20 something me.  I don't think I am likely to produce another series - my drive to do so is tapped, and I don't think I am cut out as a career cartoonist.  Certainly, I will keep painting and doing other forms of art, but I am more of a lifestyle artist than a career one, I think.  To be a career artist means, to me, being a work horse that is constantly on and ready to go, and I don't want to lose the desire to create altogether, unless money is involved, because of the burden of a workload.  I also would rather have a joe job like the one I have, and get gigs on the side, than commit to something I don't like simply because it pays well, that strains my mental health.  It is common for indie artist types to live lifestyles like this, and am I ever lucky my lifestyle works the way it does, considering what I came out of, and what the alternative could be.  I am grateful every day of my life to have a one bedroom apartment, and I voice that to Spirit often.

With less pressure off my mind to perform, less going on in my life as far as responsibility goes, less duty, my mind can relax, recover, and develop.  I am still training myself psychically, often by reading people in bars with my Rider tarot deck.  I still think the professional psychic lady thing is a path I want to embark on - when I get really good (I'm already pretty good, I'm told) it's easy work, it's fun, and there's a kind of playful mystique to the whole thing.  I think that is one of my most prominent talents, and, like a prostitute, it's the kind of thing a computer can never replace (unless someone is into fucking a robot).  A simple life is the best approach for nurturing the mind and the soul, and a more complex, exciting version of that could upset everything that is going well right now.  I choose not to stir the pot when it doesn't require it - there is no demand to change anything, nothing is off about my situation, so I enjoy things as they are, until a red flag surfaces, indicating a need to act.  It's how I have learned to live.

Realizing I don't need to be a fat cat to know a brilliant life was one of the happiest realizations I discovered in recent years.  I hope this feeling continues.


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