Saturday, 24 August 2019

Going down to 60 mg, spiritual updates, & other things...

Not sure what image to use this time - here's Metatron's Cube.
Hooray - my psychiatrist is on a hiatus as she moves to another clinic, but I am not losing her!  We had a good last session at the current clinic, and laughed over things - she is simply changing the direction of her practice.  I am so glad not to lose this woman - she is the breath of fresh air I needed to get the confidence to recover, an ear to hear me when I say I am not mentally ill, but instead psychologically affected from spiritual problems.  I am also dropping from 80 mg to 60 mg of Latuda, because I want to train my brain to handle a slightly lower dose for a while.  I think it's time to go down, and she agreed.  (This dose is not much different effects wise, so it's likely not to cause any complications.)

An interesting event happened recently, after some friends and I went for Ethiopian food in the East End.  We happened upon an interesting shop where I met a lovely older gent who was a real character - a psychic himself.  He seemed profoundly good at it, even reading that I had a deck of tarot cards in my purse, he knew details of my character and life, it was shockingly accurate.  He also knew, without me reading him, that I am quite a good (developing) psychic, and he wanted me to be in touch - could this be the doorway I needed into my psychic career?  I had been drawing the King of Pentacles card repeatedly, saying this will be my next boss, and that it would involve some kind of metaphysical shop.  I suspect this could be the gentleman.  No update yet, but I shall have to write more if anything comes of this.  He's important to the psychic community, I will mention that.

Once again I am exploring Kabbalah a bit, wondering about the sephirot, and how they relate to me.  The demon attacked and probably did structural damage to my psyche in some ways, something I know I am healing from, but I need to keep going - I am all over the map right now with some ideas because I am still not 100%.  It's more of a confusion over constructs in my mind than a madness - I cope and function quite well, my moods are good, sleep is good, nothing is truly upsetting except for a couple of traumas I am still trying to work on.  I want to focus a bit more on Da'at, the "sephirah that isn't", because I wonder if that is an influence that is off, causing the sensations of strangeness in the psyche.  It's possible I was dealing with both the real demon and a metaphorical inner demon, and the inner demon was the cute, impish one, while the real demon was the malevolence that ruined my life for a while after getting inside of me.  This is a complex mystery that's going to take a while to unravel, but I am constantly healing, grounding, and I suspect that one day I will get to the bottom of things.

With my tarot group the other night, something happened that had never happened before.  The spirit of the father of one of the women with me tried to talk directly through my body, the way channels normally work, but I guess my skills with this kind of channel are raw and underdeveloped right now, so I get the sense that the message wasn't fully delivered.  But it was rather funny - I felt this temperature change and tingle on my shoulders and back as the spirit moved in to talk through me, and started to shake and jerk around - it was more amusing than anything else.  My soul must have allowed him to try, this spirit was desperate to relay a message to his daughter, but it was just too soon for it to come through as well as he wanted it to.  I had some anxiety, I will admit, having been possessed by darkness, but was reassured by the Spirit that it's just something new that I'm not used to, this was a positive soul trying to speak through me to his child.  The soul left - it just took time for him to leave my vicinity, once he had connected.  When I am next with this lady and her dad is around again, there may be another attempt, when I am clearer to do this sort of thing.

I am so, so close to finishing what remains of Asylum Squad - I literally have one and a half pages left to draw up and ink, and then I just have to reduce them by photocopy, scan 'em, tone 'em, and then they go up.  It could be any day now.  I feel more satisfied than sad about completing this series - it wasn't a perfect comic, but it meant something to me, and perhaps something to others as well.  I will be writing an article on here about the meaning of the ending, what my feelings about the series are, et cetera.

-Saraƒin


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