Monday, 15 July 2019
Defending my sanity from gaslighting...
I am very much aware that much of what I discuss on here sounds out there or "mad", especially coming from someone who has written material that flirts with ideas of madness, and who has been involved in the Mad Pride movement. How can anyone take some of my ideas or experiences seriously, coming from a mind that psychiatrists deemed inferior in some ways? Aren't I just making myself look crazier, speaking out against what I was labelled with, with these arguments?
Well, an atheist, or an agnostic, or some other form of conventional thinker, might jump to these conclusions about me, not understanding the potentials of spiritual experience, once one reaches a certain level. Occultists, mystics, medicine people, witches - they all describe stuff that gets pretty meta, and these people aren't necessarily ill. I mean, if you are that boring and rigid about the way the mind works, maybe you could argue that, but anyone who considers the newer sciences, anyone sensitive enough to other cultural interpretations of the human experience, ones of more traditional societies that require shamanic ritual for the hunt, for example, should keep an open mind when reading what I post about.
I spent one year incarcerated, where psychiatric labelling was used as a means of categorizing a set of symptoms that were very strange in me. Keep in mind that labels like this, in these situations, are of a legal nature, when prescribing psychiatric medication, because it is required that a diagnosis of SOMETHING be made to move treatment forward. So what a doctor is trained to do is to examine a patient, and decide, rather like throwing darts at a dartboard, what diagnosis sticks best. Initially, schizophrenia was their suggestion. But as the months crawled on, it was adjusted to schizoaffective disorder. This is absurdity, by the way, because that implies I have a mood disorder component, which I don't have at all - no depression, no mania, nothing. That is intrinsic to a real diagnosis of that label, so it's so stupid to me that they used that to describe me, seeing as I have no mood disorder. But it's because I was deemed too healthy for schizophrenia that they didn't know what else to call it - so, because this is NOT science, this is legal shit, they went with the closest sounding thing. As for "symptoms" they did not understand, they simply ignored them, instead of considering them a sign of this being something else entirely.
Since gaslighting was a near daily experience for me in CAMH, it heavily influenced my comics, early on. It's very upsetting to me, as an artist, that even my fans gaslight me, because they often will describe me as a mentally ill cartoonist, something I am seeking to destroy as an idea with things like this blog. I understand that my life has been bizarre, my experiences are certainly out there. But anyone who delves deeply enough into the spiritual world will find that their lives, their world views, their experiences, these things begin to defy conventionality. To suggest that someone like me is simply a madwoman because of things I describe, is yet more gaslighting, yet more of what I speak out against, and any fan of mine has to understand that to continue perpetuating these ideas of me is not helping. This does me no favours, it reminds me of being locked away and oppressed.
So keep an open mind, sinners, when reading this blog. I may not be the soundest in knowing all components of my spiritual reality at this point, but I am a sound mind in the process of understanding. It took breaking the ideas that doctors set up in my mind, and understanding that I am not sick, to get better. Funny that.
I am on a roll now, and I ain't turning back.