Tuesday, 12 March 2019

My childhood "imaginary" enemy...

Some children discuss having imaginary friends, and many people have speculated that these may in fact be ancestors or friendly spirits that the children can see, at least up until a certain point, and then they are taught to reject their existence, and conform to the world around them.  I had something else, which I probably should discuss, considering the battle with my demon.  I had an "imaginary" enemy.

"Lucy" was someone I supposedly talked about a lot to my parents, she was an angry looking girl with red hair and missing teeth who made me do "bad things".  If I misbehaved in some way, or had an outburst, I would blame this on "Lucy".  Now that I have lived through legitimate demonic possession, "Lucy" is someone I have started to think about on and off.

Having no adult memory of this girl, except the memory of my mother telling me I talked about her as a toddler, it's interesting how this was a factor in my early childhood, and that I would later be confronted through a ouija board by something saying it wanted to kill me.  As a child, I was a sweet, lovely, sensitive, creative person, but riddled with dread, shame, fear, worry, and my childhood wasn't the greatest.  A lot of kids picked on me in grade school, namely because, being sensitive, it was easy to provoke tears in me, and so they would ridicule me in some way to generate this response.  On the very first day of kindergarten, for example, my way of expressing myself to other children was to go up to them and hug them as a means of saying hello, which they found strange, so I was immediately ostracized.  I got a reputation for being too "wimpy" because of my gentle nature, and it followed me until I moved out of the province I was in.  Always, I felt out of sorts, but it seemed even deeper than just the bullying, there was an innate fear in me, and I wonder if "Lucy" was something darker than just an idea.

It's also interesting that my demon called itself "Satan" and "The Devil" and this imaginary red haired girl who got me to act out called itself "Lucy", which of course is like the name "Lucifer".  This just hit me the other day, and my jaw dropped over it.  Was I in fact haunted since birth by something?  Why?  Certainly, when I used a ouija board for the first time at 14, it immediately sprang into action, it didn't need any kind of "warm up" - that's weird too.

I had a bitch phase in high school, where I acted out in a major way, was kind of nasty to others, and very self destructive, and this was only after this ouija board shit.  I didn't feel like my true self at all for a very long time.  This version of me was not real, it was a strange phase that carried into my 20s where I was trying to figure myself out.  It has only been recently that I am getting a stronger sense of my true nature, and that this is still emerging in me - the angry pixie blonde nightmare girl is someone I still punish in my mind, but I know I will come around and forgive her eventually as well.  The child me, I wish to embrace, the teenage me, I might give a swift slap across the face, before doing the same.

I suppose the best tool for figuring out things like this "Lucy" character is my psychic skill with the Akashic Records, because I sure as heck have no memory as to what "Lucy" made me do, or how I felt.  Now, I feel a sense of alleviation, that this darkness must be gone, that any remaining mild strangeness is just some after effect of some sort, and that sooner or later, it too will be gone.

Currently, I am focusing on relaxation, celebration, and betterment.  That seems to be what my duty to myself is right now.

-Saraƒin

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