Wednesday, 20 February 2019


It's been so brutal with this otherworldly attack on my mind, that it feel like now I am in a period of recovering from trauma that has harmed the structure of my psyche a little bit.  I would say at this point it's much better than it was, but still has quite a bit of room to improve upon.  If one were to diagnose me with a typical mental illness, PTSD would be a much more realistic category than schizophrenia.  My mind is funny right now, having been severely abused, not because of genetic factors or anything like that.

I'm hoping there's a way to use EMDR to repair any damages to my psyche from this thing - something to discuss with my analyst.  Now I know pot is verboten.  I seem to crave sleep a lot, suggesting to me that rest will be one of the greatest healers.  I have to take it easy, perhaps like someone who has been through any kind of battle.  I know my channeling does not always yield the finest results, and I'm sure trauma plays a factor in this.  It's like my subconscious is very strange, but at least I get a sense that the Self is a major factor in comforting me, so I am not living in fear, but things just seem tired and strange now.  My attitude is of happiness, I have little sorrow, but I just can't cope without some degree of medication right now, I assume, because the mind is trying to heal from the constant abuse of the past 12 and a half years of fighting.  On a deeper level, the soul is saying all is fine, you're free, but the mind is strange in some ways, it's rather hard to describe.

I wish I had a better understanding of psychological structures to understand what's going on in my mind right now - I often utter prayers to Metatron to work on archetypcal parts of my psyche, based on (mostly) Jungian psychology.  I have noticed results from some of these prayers, especially in relation to the ego.  There is a degree of stillness since starting work with this angel, one that was not there before.

I guess right now I just feel very tender, like a soldier coming home from war.  I don't want to push my mind in any way right now... perhaps that's another reason I crave simplicity.


UPDATE:  My analyst suggested I should not label myself with PTSD, saying it won't help me.  He doesn't believe I have serious trauma issues after all... just mild ones stemming from humiliation from the system.  Hopefully EMDR work can take care of that, with time.

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