Monday, 18 February 2019
The good news about the bad trip...
The first is that parts of my mind that could only learn through experience now know that marijuana is a major no-no for me, and I will not likely crave this stuff ever again. When I was spiritually impacted by the demon in a heavy way and weed was a bad experience for me, a part of me assumed I could enjoy it again one day. But I guess the mind just doesn't like altered states after a certain developmental stage, so it wasn't just the presence of evil making it ugly. Not sure how CBD would affect me if I ever needed it for pain, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
The second lesson is that this trip, although unpleasant, had nothing remotely dark or demonic about it - it was pure THC induced strangeness... I did not feel the sense I was being attacked or haunted by anything awful and otherworldly in consuming it. So now, at long last, I feel that there is nothing left of the demon, it's gone, and what remains that might feel like a kind of spiritual residue that confuses the channel sometimes is mental trauma that I must recover from. I am also still developing as a channel, so I am often off when information comes through, which is one major reason why I don't leap into the world of professional readings just yet. So because of that component, I stay on Latuda while the mind heals. (I am so glad I was on Latuda when I smoked that weed yesterday, BTW!)
I am also kind of glad this didn't turn into a rebirth of my pot habit... pot is pricey after a while if you get too hooked on it, and I sure loved it a lot in the past. I hope my analyst doesn't smack me for doing this, but when I explain how it unfolded, he will probably be fine with it, especially considering the end result was that I decided it was time to put it down for good. My Mom was proud when I told her how I handled the bad trip. Both of them knew I was curious to try it again, I just had to find the right day to do so.
One of the worst parts of it was the feeling of losing mental control - it was in a passive sense, but it was not fun. I now have such stillness and control of my thoughts, that to lose this felt strange and upsetting. I value sanity way too much to muck around with this stuff anymore. I guess most people who smoke it use it as an escape from their lives... now that I am past the point where I feel like I want to escape my life, it doesn't make sense to do this. When sobriety in the mind is more interesting than a drug high, why bother with a drug high?
So I guess I am back to being a "get off my lawn" type about potheads running amok now that weed is legal. Oh well, let the kids have their fun, I guess.