Monday, 25 February 2019
Some gender talk...
Though I have concluded that I am cisgendered, there is still some part of me, perhaps it's my animus, that feels more masculine. I feel almost like my soul is more male than female, but my gender is female, if that makes sense. I often will say that I have a "strong animus", and many people have assumed I am gay or at least bisexual... certainly, this may be the reason I have sought more effeminate men, when it comes to dating, and why I can easily be "one of the guys" with my more masculine male friends. My Dad used to call me his "son" when I was a kid, because of the interests I had that were considered more tomboyish (except that I sucked at all sports and hated gym class). While my sister used to get her Barbie and Ken dolls to have sex with one another, my scenarios usually involved Skipper controlling the dolls under a totalitarian regime, sacrificing all the Barbies to my dinosaur collection.
Or perhaps I am confusing my inner strength, which I have found through my suffering, for masculinity. I am not sure yet. I am kind of somewhere between soft butch and femme on the spectrum - I will mostly dress feminine, but am not high maintenance about it. (I haven't had a haircut in 2 years!) I don't expect to be the beauty that my Mom is at her age - at 75, she looks like she might just be pushing 60, she's basically a GILF who looks a bit like a petite Jane Fonda, but she takes such great care of herself and primps so much that it makes sense. Me, I expect to be a toothless wonder, sitting on a cushion and dispensing advice by that age.
So yeah... I'm cisgendered, but I have a very strong inner male presence, one I am still trying to understand completely. Maybe someday it will all make sense.