Monday, 25 February 2019

Some gender talk...

Gender is a hot topic these days, and though I identify as cisgendered, I did have a phase in my late teens and early 20s where I was what I called an "androgyne", I would have been considered genderqueer in some way.  I feel this phase ended once I began to tackle my shadow self issues and confront things about myself that I wasn't owning, and thus I embraced my femininity, which I had previously rejected to some degree.  I also abandoned my pixie cut look, in part, because I was trying to reinvent myself, and began to associate that cut with bad times in my life, so I grew my hair out, let it go to its natural dirty strawberry blonde colour (I was peroxide blonde as a pixie), and only once since then cut it short again.  When I did cut it short again, it felt unsettling, and I had mild regrets.

Though I have concluded that I am cisgendered, there is still some part of me, perhaps it's my animus, that feels more masculine.  I feel almost like my soul is more male than female, but my gender is female, if that makes sense.  I often will say that I have a "strong animus", and many people have assumed I am gay or at least bisexual... certainly, this may be the reason I have sought more effeminate men, when it comes to dating, and why I can easily be "one of the guys" with my more masculine male friends.  My Dad used to call me his "son" when I was a kid, because of the interests I had that were considered more tomboyish (except that I sucked at all sports and hated gym class).  While my sister used to get her Barbie and Ken dolls to have sex with one another, my scenarios usually involved Skipper controlling the dolls under a totalitarian regime, sacrificing all the Barbies to my dinosaur collection.

Or perhaps I am confusing my inner strength, which I have found through my suffering, for masculinity.  I am not sure yet.  I am kind of somewhere between soft butch and femme on the spectrum - I will mostly dress feminine, but am not high maintenance about it.  (I haven't had a haircut in 2 years!)  I don't expect to be the beauty that my Mom is at her age - at 75, she looks like she might just be pushing 60, she's basically a GILF who looks a bit like a petite Jane Fonda, but she takes such great care of herself and primps so much that it makes sense.  Me, I expect to be a toothless wonder, sitting on a cushion and dispensing advice by that age.

So yeah... I'm cisgendered, but I have a very strong inner male presence, one I am still trying to understand completely.  Maybe someday it will all make sense.


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