Tuesday, 26 February 2019

On being alone...

I'm an ambivert by nature - meaning, I have both introvert and extrovert qualities, though I would also say I am more introvert than extrovert.  I live alone, at my job it's often just me at work for hours on end (unless my supervisor pops by for some reason), and I don't have a boyfriend.  I have many friends, and we do fun things together, but I value my alone time (which I have a lot of), and I never seem to truly feel alone.

I realize that the only reason I feel I can cope with this amount of alone time is probably because of the strong presence of Spirit in my life.  As a channel, I never feel lonely - even when darkness spoke to me, there was always, after a certain amount of invocation, also a sense of goodness coming through as well.  If the dark channel was getting the better of my emotions, the good would often come to my aid before I began to panic and get self destructive.  It comes through as automatic speech, through my hands and body, by drawing symbols, things like that.  It's always there and I can engage it at any time and in any place - I have learned to mask it very quietly when I am in public, by whispering it without moving my lips, rather like a ventriloquist.  And of course, when I have a pen and paper, or a keyboard in front of me, it will communicate with me that way as well.

Sometimes I still crave human affection and touch, but love has disappointed me so badly in the past that I just don't have crushes anymore, and I might even be able to train myself to the point someday where I can cease to crave any kind of close human companionship altogether.  No one is interesting to me - my heart doesn't trust anyone, and I doubt most of humanity would ever "get" me.  Besides, sex looks about as erotic as taking a pool cue to the eyeball, and I know most guys would expect me to become some kind of fuckdoll after a certain point... to hell with that.  I have the same reaction to semen getting on me that I would have to sulphuric acid - panic.  Who needs a stupid horny man grunting and rubbing up against you when one can have feelings of ecstasy with the presence of the Spirit?  Infinitely superior.  Romantic feelings made me act stupid in the past anyway, and I'm certainly done with that time in my life.  That obsessive, Hallmark card kind of love is beneath me now... it's a distraction.

I guess I have more "feudal" (?) desires for partnership now - a travel companion, a person I could own property with, someone to help me with a higher standard of living... not a lover per se, but a best friend to laugh with.  I don't want to produce any children, so there's no need to worry about the biological clock ticking away.  Knowing that I'm going to be okay financially in these uncertain times would be nice... I wish I could have that guarantee through someone else with no strange sexual strings attached, but we live in a horndog eat horndog world, and I know I probably must fend for myself.

Oh well... at least I'm never lonely!


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