Sunday, 3 February 2019

Getting tough (when the going gets tough)...

Here's where I let my inner old bag out to complain about the vibe of post 2015 internet culture:

One of my frustrations with the kind of trends I see all over the web these days is the prevailing attitude that it suddenly seems empowering to disempower oneself.  Not to sound like someone who victim blames here, because I certainly am not one to do that, but we have made a culture out of self-victimization.  Having been a victim of systematic abuse, stalking, and rape (among other things), I understand the vulnerability of having been victimized myself, and the necessity for reflection and compassion from others, but all of a sudden, in a way, it seems trendy to want to play victim, even for absurdly everyday occurrences, in a collective whine fest that forgets the value of growing a good strong callus and strengthening oneself, moving on, learning from, and adapting to one's pain.

Honestly, if I had let myself stay in my old mindset, I would surely have killed myself a very long time ago.  Psychiatry was convinced for a time that my self injury was a sign of Borderline Personality Disorder (something I never had, BTW - I actually was dealing with a great amount of stress at home, and also probably this occult influence did not help), but I doubt there's a psychiatrist alive who would call me that nowadays.  (They would call me many things, but definitely not a person with BPD.)  I think it was the shock and fear when a co-patient committed suicide in a group I was in that snapped me out of chronic suicidal ideation... it was later arrest that snapped me out of projecting my issues onto others and not being more responsible.  No one was going to save me but me... this is often forgotten by people, or it is presented in condescending attitudes that come across as heartless, or at least trite sounding.

I am super frustrated with the direction that Mental Health Awareness and even Mad Pride are taking... this kind of almost "romanticization of mental illness" crap I have seen creeping into things.  I really feel it is the wrong approach, I wish wisdom, strength, and compassion were qualities that were nurtured online more than self-pity, fear, and anger are.  We live in an age with politicians and world events that are as tasteless and offensive as watching "Schindler's List" in 4DX.  It's a very strange time where it seems normal to be "crazy" and articles are put out there to suggest that if you are not depressed and anxious about the status quo, you aren't a sensible, well meaning human being... you are in fact a sociopath.  I absolutely refuse to believe it has to be that way.  There's got to be a higher road.

For many years, life seemed to repeatedly pummel me in the face.  At one point, I went missing on the streets of Toronto, a runaway, I was scared and my family thought I had died, until my sister saw me one day and found out what was going on.  I had a strange guy following me around whom I was afraid of, I had this demon attacking me, I was sexually assaulted by another strange man, and no one seemed to get what I was going though, for it was too otherworldly and I had not the means to articulate my pain, nor was I living in a city spiritually open minded enough to really believe in it.  As I have said before, the only thing that kept me from suicide was both the desire to live, but moreover, the fear of the karmic impact suicide would have on me, or the fear that I may have to confront what was attacking me on another plane, without the defence of having a body.

So in a weird way, when I was finally arrested, it was a kind of relief, that at least there was no way of destroying myself or anyone else anymore.  It was humiliating and shameful, but also probably necessary to some extent to really not let things get any worse.  The strange man could not get into my life anymore, for the hospital would protect me from him, and although CAMH was also abusive, they weren't going to let me die.

So I grew up, because I had no other choice.  Suicide was no option for me, nor was being whom I was before.  Kind of a sink or swim scenario, probably the kind of thing where I could only learn what I did from things getting this hard.  It saddens me that so many I see ranting online don't get the strength they likely have beneath the surface, because they haven't been forced to find it within them like I have.  We don't seem to generate a society that nurtures this strength... not suggesting we boot camp the shit out of people, but we certainly don't make an effort to empower the masses in any way that might be enriching, from childhood onward, like, say, other cultures have been known to do.  It all seems about efficiency and productivity, which generates burnout in many, thus creating neurosis.  Also, the western world is pretty spiritually impoverished in many places, which I'm certain does not help, especially in times when the soul is in pain.

I might sound like a tough old cow, but I think I know what I'm talking about when it comes to personal betterment.  When psychiatrists wanted me to accept a bleak future, I told them how pessimistic they all were, and ultimately, have come to prove them wrong in many ways.  I wish this stupid anti-intellectualism, poor me shit would end soon... it's fucking ludicrous, and it does no one any good.

Tide Pod Challenge indeed.  <_<


EDIT: I recently confessed I never had a formal diagnosis of BPD.  I thought I was Borderline because of self injury and a lack of a sense of who I was, plus I was one of those teens who liked to self-diagnose.  Psychiatry knew I thought I was BPD, and I did take DBT for a time as a therapy option, but it was never formally what I was considered.  Just needed to drop this confession here.

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