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Friday, 8 February 2019

Clairvoyance and clairaudience...

Perhaps I have, in some ways, been reading too much into what the visions have been "caused by", as though they are a bad thing.  Perhaps they are, as I initially suspected many years before, a sign of developing clairvoyance, and as for the voices, clairaudience.

I would have to confirm this with my analyst, but I suppose active imagination plays a part in clairvoyance, as far as visualization goes.  Medication does nothing to remove this phenomena, it only tones everything down in me, so it's quieter.  This can be both a relief, but also a bummer if I want to explore the mind when I have time.  Currently, my dose of Latuda is 80 mg, which is a moderate dose I take because I would rather feel safe than be overwhelmed.  I think I may consider asking my psychiatrist to lower my dose down to 60 mg for a while, to see how I cope with that.  Having what remains of the dark one in me, some kind of field that does nothing to attack or perturb me too much, but still affects things, means I want to play it safe, but 60 mg might be doable now.

Being a cartoonist, maybe my "clairvoyance" simply presents ideas in a comical, playful way, while a more serious person would have a different tone to it.  Right now, visions are flawed looking, sort of like bad VHS static in a way, so I can tell something is not quite right with my system.  This too is why I stay on medication for now.  It's simply too soon to take it all away.

The format is amusing and fascinating, as I have discussed before.  Kind of like a snapshot of a person I'm thinking of, with scrolling computer text uttering in third person something about them.  It's a shame I am not in film or animation, as some of this would make great little shorts, it's pretty hilarious how it plays out, and it's hard not to keel over with laughter when I have witnessed it.

I get EMDR treatments at my analyst's sometimes, to help heal trauma.  EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a completely benign means of repatterning neuropathic traumas in the brain by utilizing equipment (in this case, a light bar on a tripod, headphones, and vibrating hand pods) to resynch the pattern on the brain by following the light on the tripod with one's eyes as it goes back and forth, while focusing on the trauma, which somehow miraculously changes the effect of it in the brain, so it feels less painful.  (The theory is that traumas tend to polarize on one hemisphere or the other, so when one uses EMDR, this repatterns it onto both hemispheres, making it less difficult to live with.)  Yesterday, I had EMDR for the first time in a while, and suddenly, I was getting clairaudient messages explaining my traumas to me, and how they came to be.  It's great to have an analyst who actually listens to this kind of feedback, not seeing it as a mere hallucination, but instead as a relevant insight that could have a deeper meaning.  I would imagine EMDR is more interesting in my brain than in other brains, because of the phenomena I get.  (My psychiatrist also practises EMDR - she believes it can help with all sorts of problems, not just trauma.)

Some visions have warned me of events to come.  Before I was arrested, I saw police sirens.  Before I was hospitalized at the end of 2017, I saw ambulance sirens.  I have also seen beautifully rendered animations of my webcomic, as though done by one of the finest animation houses out there... not sure if that is just the mind at play with it, or a real premonition... but oh, how I would love my own cartoon series someday, though!

(BTW, I don't buy that New Age hooey about fluoride in the tap water ruining this ability for humanity, like it's some mighty Illuminati conspiracy... I drink tap water like a motherfucker AND take antipsychotics and I STILL get this stuff.  My enamel is so awful thanks to bad dental genes from both parents that I need fluoride, so I will still get that shit done at the dentist, and I will still consume water that contains it... I like having teeth, that's all I'm saying.)

It's kind of a shot in the dark, trying to figure out everything at this point, but information is more compassionate now, more grounded, and more articulate, so hopefully it's also getting more accurate.  I feel it's only a matter of time before things are really pieced together.

-Saraƒin

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