|No, I am totally not becoming THIS guy!|
Certainly, it must be peculiar to see one go from blogging about mental health to completely abandoning that blog in favour of a new one devoted to religious experiences, but hear me out. The old mindset, the one that I was "mad" and that it was just a part of who I am, the mindset that was instilled and drilled into me by psychiatrists, it wasn't serving me anymore. I was like a dog chasing its own tail for many years, crying myself to sleep every night, choking myself with a belt sometimes out of panic, shame, and fear. It was ugly and depressing, and as long as I denied the presence of any malevolent spirit attacking me, I was lost. Now, getting the upper hand of this spiritual problem (and BTW - Spiritual or Religious Problem is a REAL diagnosis in the DSM, if that even matters), I am a happier person, a saner person, I'd say I'm happier than most around me, even. Emotionally, I can cope with extreme pain - in a way, I am more mensch than most mensch, despite my rather average looking frame. I owe this strength to my practice and devotion... not placebo, not distraction, not mere wishful thinking. This is a fact that is proven only to me and to those in my close knit circle, who saw me at my worst, and who see me now as I am today. Even on the highest doses of the most powerful medications, I was still a mess when I denied the presence of the darkness. Now, it seems almost certain that I will be able to say goodbye to these pills, and start weening down from them in the very near future.
Part of me wishes to death that it could have been any path other than Christianity - I know how fucking stupid some Christians and their path can look, it seems like what was once a great religion is now super watered down, sanitized, and corrupt in so many ways. It would have been cool to be a badass Wiccan chick, to have a blog where I could introduce you to my athame collection, make paintings of Hecate, or say "here's my amethyst geode - his name is Cluster Bob". Buddhism is pretty trendy right now too, so I guess that would have gotten a sanity pass, Buddhists being all about mindfulness and stuff like that. Christianity though... ugh. What a fucking mess. I won't lie when I say that yeah... it's kind of embarrassing sometimes to be what the Anglican Druid refers to as a "Jesus Wimp". <_<
But know this. I am still Saraƒin, I am still a freak, I am still a person who thinks for herself and questions everything. Mystics, BTW, often are known for being eccentrics who question authority... mainstream religion actually frowns upon mysticism because it's threatening to their status quo. The great mystics are honoured, but many others were burned at the stake as witches or heretics for questioning the church.
So maybe you read this blog but you don't believe in God... hey, that's cool. Just understand that in my experience, nothing else but turning to spirituality like this has worked for me, and now that I have found something that works, I am going to see it through to completion, while still being my own person. I have often theorized that the "real" world is a product of Vishnu's dream... that most people are asleep in the dream, carrying on in their merry little way, but those who have had strange twists in the matrix like me have in fact become lucid dreamers. Which might explain the weird phenomenon with the transmuted rosary. Reality is bending in strange ways for me because, for one thing, I chose a long time ago to understand the truth of reality (or at least find as many answers as I can before I pop my clock). Mystical religious paths are one way of pursuing this... it seems that, because of my problems, Christianity was likely the path best suited for me. Wicca for someone else, Buddhism for yet another.
I was boxed in and limited when I saw my mind as simply different or kooky or in its own strange little world... yeah, that's cute and cuddly, but not good enough for forging ahead. I decided not to deny my experiences anymore, but to seek out others who shared unique perspectives and who had lived strange phenomena themselves to share my stories. Also, I created this blog to document things, and to empower myself in a new way, in a way that even Mad Pride could not do for me.
Still not convinced? Then it might help to just see this as some wild new art project, go drop some acid... everything will be okay.