Ultimately I realized I was romanticizing something that wasn't going to be what I thought it would be. I had dreams of spending my days in contemplation in a peaceful, beautiful environment, honouring Divinity... however, nuns work really fucking hard and the mystics I have read about and admire are few and far between in these convents. Here's a list of the reasons I thought I should be a nun:
-Because the opposite sex has largely been a disappointment to me, I having been thrice sexually assaulted in my life, I have been stalked, my heart has been shattered on many occasions by supposedly good men, I have been misunderstood as an asexual woman time and time again. Man has been bad to me, but God hasn't steered me wrong - so why not be done with all men and marry God instead? (Also, being asexual meant the vow of chastity would be an absolute breeze.)
-Because, after falling so heavily from grace in society, I felt, at a time, it was the only way to morally redeem myself as a person. There's something really hardcore about nuns and their vows that even many agnostics and atheists respect - at the very least, nuns show extreme dedication. Nobody could ever accuse me of not trying hard enough ever again.
-Because I thought people would take my spirituality more seriously if I joined a legitimate order, and would refrain from calling me mentally ill for my religious problems. Not having a specific path, I assumed psychiatrists would either leave me alone, or at least have better answers for me, if I ended up in a bad situation while dressed in the habit. Thankfully, now I have a psychiatrist who actually thinks for herself and is brilliant to boot, so that is no longer a problem, but finding her was pure chance, because most of them are terrible, honestly.
-Because I somehow assumed becoming one would solve all of my religious problems themselves, which are still somewhat there (though they are thankfully much less intense at this point). I get it now - I simply have to live like a nun (I joke that I am in a common-law, polyamorous relationship with several gods), be in near constant prayer and contemplation for at least a large chunk of the day, but I don't have to BE a nun. I can still work my job, be a cartoonist, put money away, all of that. But I am devoted to my soul as fuck.
-Because I got to a breaking point where I honestly could not figure out what else to do with myself but be completely devoted to the Divine. Unfortunately, that vow of obedience is not to a personal connection with Divinity, but to the Mother Superior of one's convent - so, what if she's a lousy bitch? Nope, I don't want to deal with that kind of crap anymore.
-Because it seemed like a perfect escape from capitalism, taking on the vow of poverty in a monastic community. Greed is one of the most disgusting things I can think of in western society, and the idea of living the antithesis of it became very appealing for a time. (I am trying my best to work on non-attachment these days.)
So those are some of the reasons I considered it. It's now an idea I have laid to rest, however, I am sure I will be visiting that convent I spent my retreat in again, from time to time, perhaps as an annual thing.