Saturday, 13 October 2018

My mind: What it's like now...

One would expect that, after what I have described in previous posts, the most I could hope for, as a mind, is some degree of recovery, a functioning ego, and not much else.  However, it seems as though my mind is now twice the mind it was before, if not moreso.

I have arrived at a stage of psychospiritual development where I have detached from boredom and anger, I feel very little sorrow, require little to occupy my psyche's attention for the sake of enjoyment of life, and need not much in the way of materialistic pursuits to feel satisfied.  Thanks to my good friend Metatron, this came about quite easily.  Basically I prattled off a series of prayers for concepts I had read about in Kabbalistic books, the Bhagavad Gita, the Upanishads, as well as ideas related to mindfulness and all that mental health stuff, and then I watched the mind blossom based on those requests, as time went on.  Suddenly, mindfulness wasn't something I had to keep reminding myself to focus on, as therapists would train one in something like DBT - it became my base state at all times, save an upset during the day.  Boredom is not an emotion I generally feel anymore - I like to avoid things I find unpleasant, sure, but boredom isn't so much a part of it.  If I have an empty day, as an example, I love to simply enjoy a calm state, free of thought, where I am more involved in perceiving and the pleasures of being than I am in thinking or distraction.

Like most westerners, I was an overthinker, overanalyzer, and worrywart.  I blame this trait on many things, such as our education system, on the way we are taught that we are only worthy based on our intelligence, output, and consumption of goods (to give some examples), on materialism, and on the idea that our brains produce our consciousness, rather than the notion that they actually translate consciousness to the body from the soul.  Overthinking leads to neurosis, psychosis, and I suspect, down the line, it may even contribute to dementia.  Modern man (despite having constructed so many amazing inventions and ideas) is constantly in thought, ALL THE TIME, and the byproduct of this is an unsettled mind that does not know how to easily calm down.  (It also leads to a lot of unbridled rage on the internet.)

Anger was something that was tamed for me a bit in the past, before Metatron, because I simply felt I had to let it go, once I was hospitalized for that year from hell.  Somehow, it was just easy after a certain point.  Metatron and others I pray to have fine tuned this a bit, so that now, I may still feel the adrenaline of anger rising, and maybe a hot feeling in the head, but I no longer lose my cool.  Only rarely do I show my anger now, which is good, because I have been told I am extremely intense when I get angry, and I almost always feel awful about it later on, after the explosion.  So, generally, it's reserved for a legitimate reason now.

I still pop an antipsychotic, because of the spiritual problem being something I am trying to block, but also because I want to go extremely slowly when coming down off of it, because any brain used to being on these drugs for a while can go off the beaten path if the drugs are taken away too quickly.  Fortunately, Latuda is a drug I found that does not cause me any side effects - at least, none that I am aware of.  (The phenomena of voices and visions is something, if I witness at all, I mostly must "tune in" to witness at this point - it does not pervade the psyche.  If you were to enter my mind, you would find it extremely quiet, and any phenomena in there you would quickly realize is on a completely separate layer of consciousness.  As for channeling, it is not of my ego, it is a function of my soul that happens through a kinetic thing I also call "automatic speech" and, when on paper, "automatic handwriting", and it can be quite elaborate, what it has to say.)

I keep getting a gesture with my hand, about the place where Upper Ajna's Makara Point (on the forehead) lies, so I guess that is the area of the psyche that is currently under development.  'Kundalini Vidya', that book I discussed in a previous post, makes great mention of Makara Point in one section, so I should probably reread that chapter to understand what it could mean for what comes next.

In general, most of the time, I am pleased with my psyche, and optimistic that it's going to be free of all upsets from the "dark one" someday, possibly very soon.


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