Tuesday, 23 October 2018

Intimacy and Spirit...

One of the aspects of my experiences with all of this that kept me from suicide was the loving presence of Spirit, who would comfort me as though a loved one at my bedside.  Spirit would present at times by stroking my face using my own hand, would embrace me with a kind of hug this way, would channel through my voice, to comfort me when I was under the assault, to prevent self sabotage.  The love of the presence of Divinity would come through, literally feeling like the hand of another, not my own.  Once Christ was invoked, this strengthened, to the point where if I had a belt around my neck because of feelings of self destruction, Christ would loosen the belt using my arms, as if automatic, and comfort me.  This was a level of loving compassion and intimacy that kept me from dying, at my worst.

Intimacy is a subject matter I have always been frustrated by when it comes to relating to others.  I identify as an asexual woman, not understanding the desire for physical intimacy with anyone, beyond perhaps a loving embrace, or maybe a peck or something.  I have only ever fallen in love with the opposite sex as friends... nothing more.  This may sound rather Hallmark card to say, but to me, laughter with a loved one is the highest form of intimacy, to double over with the object of my admiration... nothing is greater than that.  But men who take an interest in me never have understood what I desire... they only seem to crave my body, they crave things I can't willingly provide.

I cannot view any act that is sexual with any man, or woman, as anything other than a complete violation.  Unfortunately, most people do not comprehend what I find intimate and joyful, and so, as you can imagine, it is a challenge to find a loving companion in this sex crazed world.  I really only like men as platonic pals, so the minute the blood rushes to their junk at the thought of me, it's game over... they might as well whip out a crack pipe.  I am not having it.

I take a mild interest in other people's obsessions with sexual activity, rather like Jane Goodall studying her chimps: I find it hilarious and fascinating, ultimately it's a complete waste of time to me, but I seek to understand what the big deal is.  I have grown a tad more aromantic, as well as asexual, than in the past, due to disappointment with love in my life, and this is in part why I considered becoming a nun, because the only one who truly understood the kind of love I crave is, well... God.

There's still a side of me that wants to fall in love with someone as a friend again... but I just don't believe it will happen now.  Oh well... at least I have learned to love myself, which was a major challenge for me, for many years.

-Saraƒin


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